Heide and Iain’s Newsletter - Couscous, Clovenhoof and 'gloatings'

Published: Sat, 04/25/20

Heide and Iain’s Newsletter

Comedy fiction and general silliness

Heide: Hi . Welcome to our latest newsletter -

Iain: Heide, do you know when we last sent out a newsletter to all our subscribers?

Heide: Last month?

Iain: Try last year.

Heide: No.

Iain: That’s the last one I can find. And we put the wrong date at the top as well.

Heide: We are such amateurs.

Iain: Shocking. So maybe we ought to send them out a fresh newsletter, regular like, and maybe act a bit more professional about it.

Heide: What’s brought this on? Is it because the country’s on lockdown and you’re stuck inside and you’ve run out of household chores to do?

Iain: How dare you! I never do any household chores. Apart from the cooking. I’ve had to get a bit inventive with some of the recipes while I try to keep visits to the supermarket to a minimum. I did couscous the other day.

Heide: You say it like I should be impressed.

Iain: I never cook couscous. It tastes like… it doesn’t really have a taste, does it? It’s just little grains of nothing. Also, it expands when you put in the hot water.

Heide: Yes, of course.

Iain: I’ve now got a lot of couscous.

Heide: Is this what the new newsletter’s going to be? You telling people about your couscous experiences?

Iain: No, no, no. We’ll also subtly tell them about new books we’ve got coming out and stuff.

Heide: Like the fact that we’ve started producing new Clovenhoof stories about life in lockdown? Starting with one about people hoarding toilet roll that readers can buy here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bog-Roll-Battles-Clovenhoof-Chronicles-ebook/dp/B0871LSNWW/ ?

Iain: Like that but waaaay more subtle. I mean, I would like to point out that the third Oddjobs books is now out on audiobook but I’m only going to do that because the narrator has done such an amazing job that we’ve decided to share a video of him doing a dramatic reading from it on our Facebook comedy page - https://www.facebook.com/groups/2098850213744767/

Heide: I don’t know how he kept a straight face while narrating that sex scene.

Iain: But, no, we should use this newsletter to share other stuff. You know, at this time we’re all trying to keep our minds occupied and our spirits up and we could share some recommendations for things to do.

Heide: Baby and I have been dressing up and recreating famous works of arts.

Iain: That sounds stupid.

Heide: It’s a thing. The internet is currently full of people recreating the Mona Lisa, the Girl with the Pearl Earring and so on by dressing up and posing for photos in their own homes.

Iain: Have you been inflicting these images on members of the public.

Heide: (mutters) I might have set up a page to show them off. https://www.facebook.com/groups/554672745479955/

Iain: I see. And that’s the last link we’re going to post in this newsletter, you hear?

Heide: And what have you been doing?

Iain: Nothing so radical. Watching movies.

I’m a big movie fan but since all the cinemas have closed I haven’t been to the flicks since 8^th March (Invisible Man – She thinks her evil ex-husband has turned invisible to torment her. Everyone else thinks she’s gone mad. Spoiler: he’s invisible).

A couple of funny films have really stuck in my mind recently.

Extra Ordinary (Netflix UK)

Rose is a driving instructor with the unwanted ability to communicate with the dead. Martin is a local man haunted by his ex-wife. Oh, and there’s an ex-pop singer who has turned to virgin sacrifice in order to resurrect his career. Haunted wheelie bins, terrifying ‘gloatings’ (that’s floating goats to you and me) and more ectoplasmic vomit than you’d expect from a movie. It’s like The Exorcist but made by the Father Ted team. And I’m not just saying that because it’s Irish – but it definitely has that unflattering and unsentimental tone that Irish TV and film seems to do so well. We laughed a lot.

Hunt for the Wilderpeople (Amazon Prime)

A disaffected urban teen called Ricky Baker (who claims he’s friends with Tupac), gets fostered by an older couple in the New Zealand countryside. When the foster mum dies, the authorities want to take him back into care. Instead, Ricky and his grumpy foster father (Sam Neill) go off into the wilderness to hide. Ricky thinks he’s a rapper, a trapper and John Rambo all rolled into one. He’s none of these things and it’s both funny and heart-warming. And the child welfare officers commandeer a tank to chase them down. It’s that silly. It's directed by Taika Waititi (Jojo Rabbit, What We Do In The Shadows) and it's just as funny as either of those.

Heide: So, that’s it? Couscous and film reviews?

Iain: Look, let’s break into this fresh newsletter thing gently. You’d be surprised how busy things are, even though we have to stay at home. I’ve got to get my questions ready for the family quiz night on Sunday. My mum’s just got the hang of using Zoom video conferencing.

Heide: What are your questions going to be on?

Iain: I’m going to describe what A roads I’d take on a particular car journey and everyone has to guess where I’m going.

Heide: I’m glad I don’t live in your house.

ALL THE LINKS:

Heide and Iain’s website: www.pigeonparkpress.com

The Comedy Kitchen: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2098850213744767/

Clovenhoof Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Clovenhoof-Books-285544508177333/

Oddjobs Discussion page: https://www.facebook.com/OddjobsBooks/

Our books on Amazon (UK): https://www.amazon.co.uk/kindle-dbs/entity/author/B008GK6RX0

Our books on Amazon (US): https://www.amazon.com/kindle-dbs/entity/author/B008GK6RX0

E-mail us at: info@pigeonparkpress.com