The scene. A pub at Christmas time in Birmingham. It’s 2010. David Cameron is prime minister. Downton Abbey is really popular. So are Ugg boots, for some reason.
2010 Heide: Hey, Iain. There are two old people at the bar who look somehow familiar. Do you recognise them?
2010
Iain: No I don’t.
2010 Heide: Let’s go over. It will come back to me.
2024 Heide: They’re coming over! Act natural!
2024 Iain: I told you this time-travel thing was a bad idea. We’re going to mess with our own pasts. You know, you tread on one butterfly and – ker-splat!
2024 Heide: Yes, yes, yes. I’ve seen that
episode of the Simpsons too. We’re not going to change anything, just offer a little bit of encouragement
2010 Heide: Hello. We’ve met before, haven’t we?
2024 Heide: Yes! We are your future selves, come from 2024.
2024 Iain: You said you wouldn’t do the silly spooky voice.
2024 Heide: It felt right. We’ve come to
tell you that all of your dreams will come true!
2010 Heide: Wait, so I really will learn to play the bagpipes and go on tour with AC/DC to play on It’s a Long Way to the Top if you Wanna Rock n Roll ?
2024 Heide: Erm no. Not that part. But the writing part, yeah! You two are about to start writing together, yes?
2010 Iain: We are, yes. Are you saying that
we’ll finish a novel without killing each other?
2024 Iain: Yes! You’ll finish more than 50 by the time 2024 comes around.
2010 Iain: What?
2024 Iain: You’ll be making a full-time living as authors.
2010 Iain: And playing fast and loose with time travel it seems! Did you not think about the whole butterfly
thing? What on earth happened, future-Iain?
2024 Iain: Heide made me do it.
2010 Iain: Hmmm. So, tell me future things? Do we have world peace and an end to famine?
2024 Heide: *coughs* back to the writing. Try and stick to a single genre will you? It will really help with the Amazon algorithm.
2010 Heide: The what?
2024 Iain: *hisses urgently* We are not supposed to be making changes! Anyway, if we’d stuck to a single genre we wouldn’t have written gems like Tech A Piece of My Mind or The Only Wizard in Town.
2024 Heide: Gems? Hardly
best-sellers.
2010 Heide: Tech a what?
2024 Heide: Oh, you call it something else first but it’s based on a dream I had – er, you had – in which people rent out parts of their brains to big corporations.
2010 Heide: I remember that dream!
2010 Iain: I thought we were just going to write a silly novel about Satan moving to
Birmingham. We were going to call it ‘Watch Out! Here Comes Satan!’
2024 Iain: Clovenhoof. Just call it ‘Clovenhoof’.
2010 Iain: Bit short, isn’t it? Still it’s just one novel.
2024 Heide: *coughs* nine novels.
2010 Heide:
Nine?
2024 Iain: If you don’t count the spin-offs where he meets Donald Trump, writes a lengthy diary during Brexit and another during the Covid pandemic.
2010 Iain: What’s Brexit?
2010 Heide: What’s Covid?
2024 Heide: Iain! We weren’t going to tell them these things! Let’s be upbeat about the future.
2010 Iain: Actually, we were kind of thinking about writing a book about the end of the world too. Demonic
monsters, that sort of thing.
2024 Iain: Sure. Write that. People will like that.
2024 Heide: But give the fifth and final book a happy ending, yeah?
2010 Iain: *tuts* I dunno…
2024 Heide: Trust us.
2010 Heide: Well, it’s all well and good telling us what we need to do. What
about you? I hope you’ve been just as productive in 2024.
2024 Heide: Yeah. Sure. Um, we wrote some time travel novellas.
2024 Iain: And another Clovenhoof obviously.
2024
Heide: Obviously. Actually, we secretly wrote a whole bunch of funny crime novels under a pen name.
2010 Heide: Ooh, a super-violent series of crazy crime novels set in Florida? I’ve always wanted to do that.
2024 Heide: Skegness, actually. And you do that. They’re really good, actually. No, these are
funny cosy crime novels.
2010 Iain: Cosy? Really?
2024 Iain: You’ll like it, kid. Trust me. Twisty locked room type murders mysteries set around famous London landmarks.
2010 Iain: And our pen name? It’s something cool like Danger McBlade?
2024 Heide: Millie Ravensworth.
2010 Iain: Meh. It’ll do, I suppose.
2010 Heide: And that’s the end of Heide Goody and Iain Grant? You change your name and go all cosy?
2024 Heide: Pfff. Hardly! We’ve got a whole vulgar
violent and hilarious Christmas trilogy coming out in 2025!
2024 Iain: Clovenhoof 10!
2024 Heide: Sam Applewhite 7!
2024 Iain: And some crazy projects so secret we legit had to sign non-disclosure agreements before getting involved.
2010 Iain: Future me is a bit up himself, isn’t he?
2024
Heide: We’re still working on that.
2010 Heide: So, the future’s okay then? That’s a relief.
2024 Heide: I’ve got a list. *unfolds paper* Lots of cures and vaccines for diseases. Malaria, hepatitis C. Stuff like that. Global poverty is way down. Access to education is on the rise. Same sex marriage legalised in tons of countries. Lots more green energy. Oh, space exploration is properly back on the
agenda again. It doesn’t always seem it, but there’s lots to be optimistic about.
2010 Iain: Phew. Well, it’s nice to know that the future is a happy and bright place. It’s not like the movies where evil tech corporations control everything or AI have taken over and stolen our jobs.
2024 Iain: Yeah. About that…
All
that remains is for Heide and Iain to thank you all for your support, and wish you a very Merry Christmas!
