Heide: Hello, friend. 

Iain: ‘Handed to Resident’.

Heide: Pardon?

Iain: It just popped up on my phone. The parcel I was expecting has been ‘Handed to Resident’.

Heide: Oh, that’s exciting. What is it?

Iain: I don’t know. I haven’t got it yet.

Heide: But you said —

Iain: I know. That’s why I said it. I’m getting more and more parcels ‘Handed to Resident’ but they’re not actually handed to anyone. Look. See? I’ve got one of them wi-fi enabled video doorbells and now, without thinking about it, I’m basically recording video of anyone who visits my house.

Heide: Big Brother is watching.

Iain: So, here we go. Up pulls the electric van, out jumps the man, presses the doorbell and — look! — he literally runs away. Immediately.

Heide: Where’s the parcel?

Iain: Sometimes it’s in the hedge.

Heide: In the hedge?

Iain: I’ve literally had them stuffed in the hedge. Once, they found the door of car was unlocked and put it on the back seat of my car. I didn’t find that one for weeks. The one the other day was put inside my wheelie bin, the cardboard recycling wheelie bin at that. I have to go find them. It’s like a weird stress-inducing Easter Bunny, leaving presents for me in surprise places.

Heide: You shouldn’t get annoyed with the delivery guy though.

Iain: I mean it is him doing it, right?

Heide: He’s probably monitored by an app that tells him how many deliveries he needs to make in an hour. He hasn’t got time to wait for you to come to the door, especially if you’re going to moan.

Iain: Is this not a reasonable moan?

Heide: I don’t know. I wonder how much he gets paid. I bet he’s being automatically compared to other delivery people as well.

Iain: But still. What if it gets stolen?

Heide: it’s probably more cost-effective to pay for a replacement than waste time waiting for you. Do you remember, like back in the Dark Ages, circa 1990, when everything was ‘allow twenty-eight days for delivery'? We live in a golden age of speedy delivery.

Iain: I even get things I didn’t order. I think I must have made a slip of the mouse or simply said yes to the Alexa in the kitchen without listening and I somehow gained a subscription order for… I think it was coconut body crème. 

Heide: Your skin does have a sleek glow.

Iain: I cancelled it, of course. And, of course, I’ve now got all manner of recommendations for things. It’s not helped when my daughter or my wife orders something on my account.